What do you wish for this summer

It's Wishcasting Wednesday and the question is "What do you wish for this summer?"


I wish for a relaxing, cool summer for everyone in my household.

I wish that the dreams and possibilities in me, John, and Kate's lives come to fruition in wonderful and positive ways. 
I wish for the growth and rebuilding that my husband and I are doing with each other continues.

Wishcasting Wednesday

Over at Jamie Ridler's it is Wishcasting Wednesday.  Today, Jamie asks "What is Your Money Wish?"

Funny, me and my husband were just talking about this while drinking our coffee this morning.  I reminded him it was the New Moon and a day to get those positive intentions out there.  His immediate response was "Win the Powerball!"  LOL, I'm sure that is one many people wish for.

My hope was that the manager situation would be resolved at his work.  His current manager is taking a job in a different department which leaves the assistant manager moving into the manager position and my husband becoming assistant manager.  This is what he was hired for 5 years ago and never came about.  There is even a long shot that he could be made manager of his department with the current assistant manager staying where he is (this was the current assistant manager's idea).

Regardless, the job limbo over there is stressing everyone out. 

My money wish is that my husband will get the promotion that he deserves and hat he can make the amount of money he wants to make.  I wish that the state would reinstate raises for their employees and I could get the raise that is due me according to my current job review and the one for last year. I wish to come into enough money to buy all of the family property out in the country for us to live on.

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This just in from my husband. The manager has officially accepted and moved into the other department.  The company is going to advertise for the manager position for the minimum time allowable then interview for it.  The current assistant manager will likely be the only one that applies for it and the same with the assistant position.  My husband will hopefully be the only one applying for it.

Woot!  Keep your fingers crossed and let the good role in.

What do you wish to enjoy?

It is wishcasting wednesday and the question is what do yo wish to enjoy.
I can think of nothing and everything. I'm not even posting the link to Jamie's sight because I have nothing positive to offer.

I'm not really in a good place right now, though I am trying to find the happy in the day and bring my spirits up. What you put out there is what you get back and I'd like to get back some happy, especially with my husband.

I'm tired of getting back crap because that is what I put out there.
I'm tired of not being okay and trying to make due.
I'm tired.

Wishcasting Wednesday - What Do You Invite In

I feel like this should be more, but I am very full right now and this is all I've got.

What do I wish to invite in?

Love – I invite deep and enduring love between my husband and I and all of our love relationships

Acceptance – I invite acceptance, that my husband accept me as I am and I accept him as he is

Passion – I invite healthy physical, emotional, and spiritual passion into my husband and I’s relationship

Desire – I invite desire into our relationship and the ability to express it

Need – I invite positive necessity, to be a loving and vital part of my husband’s life.

What Adundance do You Wish For?

Today is wishcasting Wednesday and Jamie asks us:  What do you wish for an abundance of?

My wish is for someone else today.

I wish for an abundance of good luck and happiness for my husband who needs a new job so desperately.  

May you find what you need my love.

Wishcasting Wednesday

Hey, it’s Wishcasting Wednesday and I remembered before it was Thursday!

So, today’s question is “Where do you wish to make a fresh start?”

That’s a big question for me.  It feels like I have been making a fresh start for a while now.  I’m a great one for contributing to my own hurt and misery.  I’m definitely over it.  This is stuff I’ve been stuck on for about 2 ½ years now.  I’m tired of hurting emotionally.  I’m tired of feeling bad emotionally.  I’m tired of the self flagellation.  My biggest fresh start is getting over the issues that keep me stuck and cause me problems.

I recently went to a new moon meditation circle.  Afterwards, we made vision boards.  It was my first and something I’d been wanting to do.  I hadn’t planned on making a board.  I was just going to hang out and be quiet instead of going home where it is definitely not quiet.  I started looking through the pictures and magazines.  Before I knew it, I’d started pulling out things and was making my first vision board.  I set it on my alter where I can see it everyday and spend time thinking about it.  It’s been a great help already on keeping me focused when my mind starts to get crazy and go to the bad places.
There is so much I want to improve in myself and in my life.  I feel like I’m on this positive push forward right now.  Wish me luck.

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LOL, touching up this post with an ongoing message from the universe I keep getting. 

Wishcasting Wednesday

So, the question for today on Wishcasting Wednesday is What Do You Wish For Your Relationships.  I want everything: depth, breathe, joy, passion, love, tenderness, togetherness.  I want forgiveness, reconcilliation, growth, happiness.  I want stability and stedfastness.  I want everyone to be happy and to be joyous in their lives.  I want to listen and to be listened to, to be appreciated and to appreciate everything that is brought to the realtionship and to recognize the specialness and god in everyone.  I wish for compassion.

All this, and more, I wish for my current, on-going realtionships and those yet to come. 

Just say no

What do I wish to say no to?

Today is Wishcasting Wednesday at Jamie Ridler's Studio.  Today, Jamie askes, What do you wish to say no to?

I wish to say no to my negative thoughts. For a while now, I have been trying to change my mode of thinking. For the most part, I have succeeded. I have changed from a generalized depressed, negative outlook to a more hopeful, positive one. It is a constant journey.

I notice that I still have pockets of negativity and the Law of Attractions states that what you put out there is what you get back. I am putting a lot of negative energy out there on certain situation, which I am sure, only brings back more of the same. This is what I want - to say no to my negative outpouring of energy and change it into positive energy, to put love, beauty, and passion out to the universe and get the same back in return.

Permission

First, YAY!!  I remembered Wednesday on Wednesday and not on Thursday or Tuesday.
The question today for Wishcasting Wednesday is What do you want to give yourself permission for?

My first answer was perfection.  I would give myself permission to not be perfect.  After a thought, though, I realized that I had already given myself that out of self-preservation.

Guilt, was my real answer.  I am a good co-dependend child of alcoholics, a recovering addict, and married to the same.  I was also raised Catholic and my grandfather was Jewish, so I can do guilt real well - on the receiving and the having, and on occasion, the giving.

I have a bad habit of thinking everything is my fault, even if it has nothing to do with me.  If I was a better person/wife/mother, I should be able to fix x/y/z.  Since I can't, I am a bad person and a failure.  If you doubt my opinion of someone's behavior, you are obviously doubting my ability to make judgements, and therefore that person's bad behavior is a reflection on me.  Say, what? Pretty convoluted, huh?  And very inaccurate.

Sometimes it is my fault: I was careless and caused harm; I wasn't thoughtful; I stomped all over someones feelings; I forgot to do something.  That's when my heavy duty guilt kicks in. 

I am learning not to wallow in it.  I am learning to say, "Okay.  That was a mistake.  Let's do better next time."  I am learning that not everything is about me, especially, when it really has nothing to do with me.

So my wish today is:

I, AMANDA, give myself permission to NOT FEEL GUILTY.

Making differences

Wishcasting Wednesday: Where do you wish to make a difference?

Possible TMI.



I thought I had made a difference.  I thought I had effected some change.  I physically defended someone who is now going back to her abusive husband.  She has deminsia and her mind is gone.  She doesn't remember now what happened, that I kept her husband away from her by fighting with him myself, that I called the cops, that I kept her safe.  I thought I had made a difference, but it's like it doesn't matter because she is going back.  My husband keeps trying to reassure me that it does matter and it does make a difference.  It matter to him and his sister because it was their mother I was trying to keep safe when their father broke into my house to get her back.  It matters to them.  But it doesn't seem like I made a difference. I couldn't do anything else, if it happend again, I would do the same thing.


So the difference I would like to effect is for Nora, that she somehow chooses to make a difference and can understand what is going on and is able to take some health, good action in her life.  That is the difference I wish to make.

What do you wish for this holiday season

Well, it’s Wishcasting Wednesday again and YAY!! I remembered it was Wednesday. The question today is “What do you wish for this holiday season?”

I wasn’t real sure, so first I went through and read everyone else’s wishes. Ditto and yes to everything that was said especially the wish for second chances. I needed that and was given it this past year, and for that I am ever grateful and blessed. There was the wish about manure and compost, wow, have you been following me? Sometimes I feel like someone has made manure tea out of me, the better to fertilize my life.

My main path this year has been one of self discovery, and from that, hopefully, growth. I wish and hope that all I have learned this year, all the changes that I have made and continue to try and make, will pay off. That 2010 will be a year of love, joy, gentleness, and yes, growth (but maybe not so painful growth) for me and my family.

I hope 2010 is a better year for everyone and may all your wishes and dreams come true.


p.s.

To the lady that posted about being a writer, I write too. I have sent off a piece to a published author to look at. I’m on pins and needles waiting to hear back from her. I just hope it doesn’t suck too bad. :)

p.p.s.
This just in from the lady I sent my work off to: "BTW, I'm halfway through the chapters you sent and you just need to hush with all that worry. You've got an awesome story going there. :-)"

Sweet!

I Think I'll Dance

What is your spirit wishing for?

This was the question for Wishcasting Wednesday, which I missed.  The plan was to try and do it today, which I did.  Serendipituously, I guess you could say, my spirit was upon me this morning because I felt very moved to write the post below without even knowing the wishcasting question, and yes, this really did start out as a conversation in my head.

I Think I'll Dance

I frequently have these conversations, sometimes whole committee meetings, in my head. Note that I said have conversations not hear voices, there is a difference. So anyway, my head was having a discussion this morning about age and life.

Several years ago, at the end of one of my former lives, I’d come to a cross-road - I had to change professions. The problem being that I’d never finished college. I was over qualified for most non-degreed jobs and had unfortunately discovered that no one was going to hire me without a piece of paper that said “I Know Shit.”

There were many strikes against going back to school: I was in my late thirty’s. I would be an older returning student. I had to change my major. I didn’t know what I wanted to study. I had small children.

I agonized over this decision. I was stuck. I was stuck by my age. I could only go to school part-time so it would take me years to finish. By the time I graduated, I was going to be in my early to mid-forty’s. But I couldn’t get a job I was qualified for otherwise.

I decided to take this to my Buddhist guru and see what he had to say. My father has always been a good sounding board for me and was a past master at starting life over again. He, himself, had been through several. He was also responsible for my then current life as a massage therapist.

I explained everything to him, hopes, dreams, fear of trying to start a new life in my forties, and he said something quite astounding. “You’re going to be that old anyway. You can be forty-five and have a degree or you can be forty-five and not have a degree. Either way, you’re going to be forty-five. What you do with it is up to you.”

Wow. What an epiphany. That has stayed with me these many years. So here I am at forty-five. I haven’t finished my degree, but I have a kick-ass job at a university because I spent a lot of time in school, my choice of major’s and my previous work experience.

And here I am starting over, again. Not with work, but with life. This year, I started to dance. This year, I decided to start writing again. This year, I decided to see what I could go with my photography. All this year.

So what had stopped me? Opinion. I never danced because I was always too fat, too ugly, too clumsy. I stopped writing because who would want to read any fiction I wrote anyway? I stopped shooting for no good reason. But as I’ve gotten older, I’ve discovered that a lot of the little hindrances don’t matter anymore; that sometimes, you have to do things just for you, for the sheer joy of doing them.

Today, I write because I like to write and I like to research. It doesn’t matter if I get published or not. Today, I shoot because I want to show people how I see the world and what I find beautiful. Today, I dance because there is joy in movement and I don’t care what other people think about me physically.

I’m forty-five anyway. What I do with it is up to me. Today, I think I’ll dance.

What do I wish to embrace?
That question has a large answer. One of the first things that pops into mind is Wishcasting and Vision Boards. They seem like such powerful tools, tools that tap into the creative side of me, something else I wish to embrace.

So, let’s see:

About a year ago I started on the journey of rediscovering me. I had really lost me along the way, misplaced or laid aside for husband, home, and children. I had lost joy in life. When I started rediscovering me, I didn’t know me anymore. I had changed so much through the years. I wasn’t even really sure what I liked to do anymore, so I started doing a lot of everything.

Creativity
I wanted to dance, just for me, for the shear joy of movement, to express a sensuality that had also gotten misplaced, so I rejoined a belly dance studio.

I wanted to create beauty, so I picked up my camera for the first time in a long time and made camera safari dates with friends. I started randomly stopping and taking pictures of everything. I reacquainted myself with Photoshop. I tried to translate the beauty I saw into beauty I could share with others.

Recently, the urge to write has come back. My book my well yet get finished.

Spirituality
Another thing I had let lapse. I pray. I have always prayed, to the sky, to the moon, to the spirits, to my god. But I felt a need for something more, more enlightenment, more growth, more stretching. So, I began a spiritual journey as well. That journey has led me here, to Jamie’s site, and to many other sites that have meaning and speak to me. I’m not sure where I’m going on this journey, but my mind and my heart are open.

I have started doing Reiki again. I meditate. I create.

Friends
Life happens and sometimes friends move because their lives happen. Four years ago, my two best friends moved states away in different directions. That was a very hard thing and very painful for all of us. Caroline and I both cried for two years because we were separated. We keep in touch by email and phone, but friends of the heart like they were are hard to replace. I keep myself open to new friends, and I have made some, but no one like they were has shown up.

Love
I realized the other day that my husband and I have known each other for seventeen years. That’s quite a while. We’ve been married for fifteen of those years. We have lived a life together, raised children together, but still we struggle with each other. We love each other dearly. Part of my journey has been rebuilding my relationship with my husband with where he is in his life and where I am with mine. He is my heart and I always want him with me.

God, life, the universe, source, has seen fit to bring other people into my life for me to love as well. This presents many challenges and opportunities for growth, sometimes on a daily basis. Interactions with other people can bring out flaws in character, majorly. Glaring evidence that I am not perfect.

The more you have, the more you can give away, once the tank is full. Only I have found out that I have that backwards. The more you give away, the more you get, and the more you give away, the more you expand your heart. This has been hard for me to wrap my mind around. I friend of mine described my state as “starvation economics.” I have been trying to move away from that and to take a chance on giving more love away.

So, what do I want to embrace: I want to embrace expanding my life, rediscovering me, rediscovering love and trust. I want to embrace life, love, happiness and growth in joyful ways. And, I want those that I love the most there with me.